This is where I left off, from Thought Experiment: Round 1: “Numbers game – there are WAY more men than women on sights for discreet affairs, and most female profiles are bots or scams for money.”
Growing up, I was always taught that I was in major competition for men. There are more women than men in the world. There are some men we don’t want, therefore, for the ones we do want, the competition is extreme. Keep yourself put together, but don’t be conceited. Be physical, but not a tease and not slutty. Be strong, but make sure your man is stronger. Be smart, but your opinion and thoughts are shadows to the wills of men. This sounds absurd of course, but it is very real.
In this arena, the news is very different. There are so few actual women on sites for discrete encounters outside of marriage that the power is shifted. For the first time in my life, men compete for me.
They have to accept my poly tendencies and my path to understanding that within myself. They have to accept my intelligence and my demands for emotional awareness on their part. They have to be about more than sportsball and hunting….though I accept lovers of both sportsball and hunting. They must be funny and enjoy laughing. They must be communicative. They must see and accept me.
Then it hits me. The numbers are just a game.
We must always be real, and we must always demand the things we need in order to pair meaningfully. We must stop the game cold. We must be aware, honest, and communicate who we are to others. We cannot win while playing a game.
Welcome to my awakening…It happens in stages and it is constant.
This is where I left off, in the last post: “Profile writing – almost nobody reads what is written, most look at age/height/weight/picture, maybe even a few just see gender and don’t care past pussy”
When I started writing a profile, I thought about who I was and what I had to offer another person. This was stupid. I was not looking to market myself, but this was default programming at work. I needed to be something that is seen as special. I should have said what my partners would need. People should have read it.
What I should have written: I am smart, creative, emotionally aware, and deeply fun. I seek to practice radically open, clear communication as a standard. This means I want partners who are intelligent, emotionally deep, and willing to be vulnerable. I want time made when time is scarce. I am programmed polyamorously, though I am in a traditionally monogamous marriage. I seek partners who value discretion while learning to care for multiples.
As a direct bonus that would have saved me time and anguish: I give zero fux about your dick pics, your sportsball as your only interest, your hoping for my pussy over my brain, your assumption that poly is about threesomes and therefore hawt as long as there are two women and you, and your egocentric need for a woman to validate your masculinity.
I then proceeded to ask every potential interest a list of questions, that were hilariously referred to as the “common application for my pussy.” As I vetted partners, these questions got more direct and intense. Think to yourself, how do you distill your needs down to questions in order to find people worthy of your most precious energy?
How long have you been seeking partners outside of your marriage? Have you been successful (however you define that)?
What do you love and value about your home partner and life there? We all have baggage and nothing is perfect. I look to celebrate what works rather than letting the things that challenge ruin the perspective of what is exceptional. I am married with two kids in high school. My husband is super funny and beyond dedicated to me and the kids. I love him for that dearly.
What are you looking for here ultimately? I started looking mostly as a thought experiment…and found that actually knowing and asking for what you want and need is pretty cool….so do it here.
Kinks? Preferences? What do you like? Where are the boundaries that you already know are there?
Do you drink? Do you experiment with or use drugs? STD free now and what is your sexual history? (Now I would add: What are your COVID-19 distancing habits?)
Do you understand polyamory? How many partners do you seek?
What do you do for a living? I know what you do and who you are aren’t always same thing…but that is part of your being…so tell me about it.
The questions help me weed out the folks who cannot have complete, complex thoughts, those who will rag on their home partners nonstop, those whose identity is wrapped up in something that isn’t a good fit for me, and those who don’t wish to spend time submitting the “common application for my pussy.” If they cannot answer seven little questions, they don’t deserve an ounce of my energy. And frankly, if the don’t have questions of their own, they don’t know what they need or want either.
From there, then decisions can get made. Do I shut the door, or does the dance begin?
After I asked my husband for an open marriage and after running from the pain of that request, I was lost. Is it important enough to revisit the discussion? What do I want? Am I capable of loving and being good to more people? Do I have the skills needed to be clear with my potential partners?
I started an online profile on a dating site for attached folks seeking discrete relationships. It began as a thought experiment to see if I was capable of being clear about my desires, what I seek in partners, and if there were actually others out there whose desires were in line with mine. The answer is YES! But not in round 1. There was learning to do!
My first round of interested folks came to me. They sent messages and I responded. I learned a lot:
Profile writing – almost nobody reads what is written, most look at age/height/weight/picture, maybe even a few just see gender and don’t care past pussy
Numbers game – there are WAY more men than women on sights for discreet affairs, and most female profiles are bots or scams for money
Unknown intent – very few people know what they actually are seeking and not everyone who responds is actually prepared to have an affair
The beginning is cloudy. There is no one moment that I can label as the start. Here are the factors key:
I was raised conservatively to guard chastity above all else. I was encouraged to be smart, but not too smart because boys don’t like that. I have a high IQ and emotionally aware, and I used those skills to do the work for others around me.
I am a care taker. I take care of others’ needs, and I feel pride in that role. I see the needs of others often over their expressed wants, and I provide. This is often at great cost to myself.
There is another piece here related to a major life event and the growth associated. I want to write about that, but not yet. For now, we will call it “Owning My Influence.”
I asked for an open marriage, as I thought there may be an opportunity to love and care for others rather than expecting one person to meet our every need. I seek to value people for who they are without devaluing them for what they cannot be.
My request to discuss an open relationship was denied. But I want to be fair, I saw my husband’s pain and I deferred to his needs like I have always done. If I don’t care for his needs, I am deemed selfish. If I do, I am lost. How do I thrive given these two impossible choices?
I had choices to make, and to make them, I needed to learn. Can I be good to multiple people? Am I capable of clear communication? What do I want? Who the fuck am I really once I shed the labels given to me by others? Are there others like me? Will I survive the learning curve? Will my marriage survive the journey?
I have been playing without permission for a little over one year. I have learned a lot about myself and about others. I will endeavor to unpack it here, parcel by parcel. Some of the things packed have broken, some are mangled beyond repair, but the most resilient pieces at the core of my being are all that is left. Do I need more than those few pieces? Time and reflection will tell.
Today…I use my voice. I use it to say what I have hidden. I use it to avoid being unseen and unheard. I have been thinking and writing for the better part of a year, and thus far I haven’t been brave enough to press “publish.” Today, my words will be few. They will not be profound. But they will be brave and they will be out loud.