Here is the word I submit for consideration today – “Reduce.”
I am warning you now. There is a lot to this piece. It will make me very uncomfortable. I will cry – as I have been daily – knowing I needed to write it. It will make people close to me very acutely aware of what they already feel as fire in the house they cannot escape. It is my fear that I will take the pain and reduce it – make it more concentrated by boiling off that which isn’t essentially heavy beyond vanishing into vapor. The pain may become very potent and possibly so strong as to not be tolerable. Despite this risk, it is my intention to take the pain and reduce it – make it smaller in the light of greater perspective. Ideally, the pain may become lessened by processing and care, or by undoing what has been done.
There are so many thoughts that flood me when I think about the disconnect between fantasy and reality. There was this dynamic, between my once love and me. He took my openness, and he found eroticism in my interaction with others. He wanted me free and fulfilled. He wanted me on fire. He wanted me to be washed in pleasure. He thrived on my energy and my strength. He felt full from my glow as I bounced around any room with flirtatious energy, but he also felt unseen and not considered. He felt both. The erotic energy was potent and concentrated, and the pain of feeling not considered could not be reduced to insignificance. I wish I had fully understood…the difference in reductions.
There were indicators that I thought we had worked through. We used to talk the shit out of everything. I really, really miss that. There is so much unsaid now. Anyhow…I digress.
We tried hot-wifing. It was his fantasy, not mine, but I saw ways it could work. I wanted so much to please him…for his fire to burn for me in the most concentrated way possible. I could explore things missing in my learning while he could feel close to me physically through our preparation. I trusted him to lead me through the risks. There was so much I should have seen that I didn’t. I just didn’t. I am not used to not understanding fully. The loss I endured from that lack of fully actualized judgment…I may never recover from it. I can’t even write with a calmness when I think about it – I just drivel and snot and type in blindness. Fuck.
The night before, we spooned with him looking into my neck – breathing a closeness on my skin that I hadn’t yet felt with him. I felt so sure we could do anything together. Why on earth would we have ever considered risking that? Was it really because it all went wrong, or was it because there is an inherent disconnect between fantasy and reality?
Is it possible that the very thing that made us shy away from details about other relationships was an indicator that the reality was going to bite? He felt excluded from how I interacted with others in relationships, so rational thought said, let’s try for a true NSA interaction with a hot-wiving scenario. We vet together. We decide together. It is us in this, together. In the TOGETHER, there is an intimacy, but in the end, it was each of us…completely alone.
I remember a conversation I had with a woman from a hot-wifing room on Kik. She said, what is a hot-wife without an other? She felt like her partner didn’t need her unless she had a bull to make her desirable. I should have listened to that sadness, and I should have brought it to him as a worry. What if his interest in me was about others? What would happen to me as I aged, and desires change naturally? I dismissed that as nonsense. That didn’t make sense with the connection I felt to him, but we broke over it all the same.
I didn’t do anything right. That is for certain. We didn’t have rules, so I also did nothing “wrong.” I fucked a man who for whom I had no care, for and with a man for whom I have shared unparalleled love. I was scared, and I should have been. I lost everything in one day. I dropped him. He dropped me too.
I allowed myself to be reduced to a fetish. I broke all trust we had over a fucking fantasy. I never thought he would leave me as I wanted nothing more on this earth than to be his. I felt no sacrifice in giving up my country for him. I felt no hardship in focusing myself on him. It was what I wanted. He fought back so as not to make an impact on my life…no footprints left. He didn’t want me to give things up.
Fuck that. My life was us. I don’t want this world without him in it.
He didn’t mean to reduce me to how I interact with others. He loved me. I won’t listen to a single impulse that says he didn’t. He loves me still, and I love him still. The worst thing he could have ever said to me… “I don’t trust you.”
Don’t reduce me to the 5 days that didn’t go well and not factor in the 360 days in which I over performed. Let me improve my sweetness as the water boils away. Don’t reduce me to how you think I feel about my sacrifices. Let me choose you. Don’t reduce me to that limited view of my capabilities. Let me grow to you. Don’t reduce us to the future you feel is safer. Let us exceed what you never imagined possible.
I don’t even know how to tell people now…when you are risking the most beloved things in your world…just don’t. Don’t even go close to the boiling point. There isn’t a damn thing to be learned from loss other than it wasn’t worth it. There is no reducing this kind of pain to a manageable amount.
Take your love and rest in it, please.
Take my love and reduce it into your sweetness Feel my presence in your heart still sticky Come back to me when you are ready to be real I will always be yours Take my words and know them as truth Don't let their repetition reduce their impact Don't be afraid of what the future holds I will always be yours I am terrified of what I have done and how you see me I hate what you don't trust in me and what I broke I want to burn away the past and reduce it to ash I will always be yours Please, for the love of the time we have spent over heat Don't throw out what is stuck to the pot It is still sweetness that we both deserve I will always be yours The effort and attention isn't wasted in letting it simmer The melding of fine ingredients concentrated Thickened and strengthened and like nothing you have had I am yours, even now.