Reduce

Here is the word I submit for consideration today – “Reduce.”

I am warning you now. There is a lot to this piece. It will make me very uncomfortable. I will cry – as I have been daily – knowing I needed to write it. It will make people close to me very acutely aware of what they already feel as fire in the house they cannot escape. It is my fear that I will take the pain and reduce it – make it more concentrated by boiling off that which isn’t essentially heavy beyond vanishing into vapor. The pain may become very potent and possibly so strong as to not be tolerable. Despite this risk, it is my intention to take the pain and reduce it – make it smaller in the light of greater perspective. Ideally, the pain may become lessened by processing and care, or by undoing what has been done.


There are so many thoughts that flood me when I think about the disconnect between fantasy and reality. There was this dynamic, between my once love and me. He took my openness, and he found eroticism in my interaction with others. He wanted me free and fulfilled. He wanted me on fire. He wanted me to be washed in pleasure. He thrived on my energy and my strength. He felt full from my glow as I bounced around any room with flirtatious energy, but he also felt unseen and not considered. He felt both. The erotic energy was potent and concentrated, and the pain of feeling not considered could not be reduced to insignificance. I wish I had fully understood…the difference in reductions.

There were indicators that I thought we had worked through. We used to talk the shit out of everything. I really, really miss that. There is so much unsaid now. Anyhow…I digress.

We tried hot-wifing. It was his fantasy, not mine, but I saw ways it could work. I wanted so much to please him…for his fire to burn for me in the most concentrated way possible. I could explore things missing in my learning while he could feel close to me physically through our preparation. I trusted him to lead me through the risks. There was so much I should have seen that I didn’t. I just didn’t. I am not used to not understanding fully. The loss I endured from that lack of fully actualized judgment…I may never recover from it. I can’t even write with a calmness when I think about it – I just drivel and snot and type in blindness. Fuck.

The night before, we spooned with him looking into my neck – breathing a closeness on my skin that I hadn’t yet felt with him. I felt so sure we could do anything together. Why on earth would we have ever considered risking that? Was it really because it all went wrong, or was it because there is an inherent disconnect between fantasy and reality?

Is it possible that the very thing that made us shy away from details about other relationships was an indicator that the reality was going to bite? He felt excluded from how I interacted with others in relationships, so rational thought said, let’s try for a true NSA interaction with a hot-wiving scenario. We vet together. We decide together. It is us in this, together. In the TOGETHER, there is an intimacy, but in the end, it was each of us…completely alone.

I remember a conversation I had with a woman from a hot-wifing room on Kik. She said, what is a hot-wife without an other? She felt like her partner didn’t need her unless she had a bull to make her desirable. I should have listened to that sadness, and I should have brought it to him as a worry. What if his interest in me was about others? What would happen to me as I aged, and desires change naturally? I dismissed that as nonsense. That didn’t make sense with the connection I felt to him, but we broke over it all the same.

I didn’t do anything right. That is for certain. We didn’t have rules, so I also did nothing “wrong.” I fucked a man who for whom I had no care, for and with a man for whom I have shared unparalleled love. I was scared, and I should have been. I lost everything in one day. I dropped him. He dropped me too.

I allowed myself to be reduced to a fetish. I broke all trust we had over a fucking fantasy. I never thought he would leave me as I wanted nothing more on this earth than to be his. I felt no sacrifice in giving up my country for him. I felt no hardship in focusing myself on him. It was what I wanted. He fought back so as not to make an impact on my life…no footprints left. He didn’t want me to give things up.

Fuck that. My life was us. I don’t want this world without him in it.

He didn’t mean to reduce me to how I interact with others. He loved me. I won’t listen to a single impulse that says he didn’t. He loves me still, and I love him still. The worst thing he could have ever said to me… “I don’t trust you.”

Don’t reduce me to the 5 days that didn’t go well and not factor in the 360 days in which I over performed. Let me improve my sweetness as the water boils away. Don’t reduce me to how you think I feel about my sacrifices. Let me choose you. Don’t reduce me to that limited view of my capabilities. Let me grow to you. Don’t reduce us to the future you feel is safer. Let us exceed what you never imagined possible.

I don’t even know how to tell people now…when you are risking the most beloved things in your world…just don’t. Don’t even go close to the boiling point. There isn’t a damn thing to be learned from loss other than it wasn’t worth it. There is no reducing this kind of pain to a manageable amount.

Take your love and rest in it, please.


Take my love and reduce it into your sweetness
Feel my presence in your heart still sticky
Come back to me when you are ready to be real
I will always be yours

Take my words and know them as truth
Don't let their repetition reduce their impact
Don't be afraid of what the future holds
I will always be yours

I am terrified of what I have done and how you see me
I hate what you don't trust in me and what I broke
I want to burn away the past and reduce it to ash
I will always be yours

Please, for the love of the time we have spent over heat
Don't throw out what is stuck to the pot
It is still sweetness that we both deserve
I will always be yours

The effort and attention isn't wasted in letting it simmer
The melding of fine ingredients concentrated
Thickened and strengthened and like nothing you have had
I am yours, even now.

Responsibility

In recent post Take Control or Submit, I began talking about concepts in BDSM that feel relevant to my learning. I feel like the practice resonates with me even if I am not always actively practicing it sexually. Power and dominance has a language that also encompasses responsibility.

Dominants assume a great amount of responsibility. They must track limits, and often teach their submissives to actual make choices and define for themselves what they need. Under no circumstances are the needs of the Dominant to color the needs of the submissive. There are sheets of limits and checklists for people to use for reference.

Tasks are a beautiful way of creating connection between a Dominant and a submissive. I have had those submissive to me keep a running list of tasks to track the ways we connect…anything from a one time thing to an ongoing daily activity. Customized tasks can help the submissive address areas of growth. For example, I forbid a submissive from hiding his cock from me in pics. I wanted him to see his own body the way I did. There is no sense in shame when I can tell him he is beautiful. It saved him the energy of strategic photography and allowed him to present himself to me as fully vulnerable.

Submitting to a Dominant is freeing at times, when the Dominant can be trusted. If the Dominant remembers every boundary without flaw, and allows the submissive to stretch safely, it feels easy. I had some really great experiences submitting, and receiving the submission of a partner. I also had some shitty sub drop experiences when my Dom communicated poorly and left me directionless after fostering dependent connection.

When developing my own Domme voice, it was not surprising to find that I am a care taker. It was not a surprise to find the unconditional submission of a partner. It was a surprise to me to feel that as a weighted responsibility that was more than I could handle. Fostering close connection, reliance, trust…it is beautiful. When I needed space to breathe, it meant I dropped my submissive hard. He went from the warm glowing comfort of ownership to nothingness. I stayed with him through that, talked him through that, but I was very surprised by the power of that bond.

I have not left him to fend for himself as my Dom did to me. I didn’t fail my responsibility for his well being despite ending the active practice of that dynamic. When I look around at others in the practice, it seems more often than not, that Doms are okay with just walking away and letting the submissive take care of their own pain.

If you are privileged enough to earn the trust of a submissive, you must pay for that with flawless attention to after care. That is for one session or an ongoing, ever present dynamic. The responsibility is there when someone calls you by your title, and it never really ends. You can release your submissive, and you can dissolve your dynamic, but the imprint within the mind is made. Will your imprint be positive, colored by clean, clear energy? Or will your imprint be negative, colored by negligent, pungent pain?

I may never practice a sexual power dynamic again because of the level of responsibility I felt. I cannot stand the idea that my imprint on another is anything but radiant joy.

I cannot imagine a scenario in which I submit to another Dominant in an ongoing way. Reliance on another isn’t predicated on power dynamics expressed, but that bond is special. I learned of its potential power, and I will practice only with eyes wide open in the future.

My hope is that people reading this…and thinking about exploring BDSM…I hope that people will take the responsibility seriously, and practice with skill and awareness. You are responsible for caring for your partners beyond the fuck. Do not crawl into another person’s mind and take a proverbial shit. Be careful, be cautious, and be loving.

Story time…

Once in Kik, for the hell of it

I wanted to find a group for fun

Music or bisexuals, philopsphy, NOT politic

Find a cool place local to hang in the sun

Join a group – I found, Minnesota Glory

thinking that, yes, my state is cool

want to see more..but…….eeeeeeeeee

Was more of a lesson than life’s school

“Weird” he says “We don’t get many women here”

As I state my age, sex and location for the room

She wonders, “why uncommon,” but sips silently her beer

I like Minnesota, and there is more to see and do than I do

The room stirs, with new person added

More comment on a lady in the house

Makes me feel out of place, and needing safe room padded

Makes me retreat small like mouse

Welcome, new friend, this is Minnesota Glory HOLE

HOLY FUCK! Do what? With who? You don’t know WHAT is on the other side?

I have slipped through to the other dimension like blind mole

Beer sprayed through my nose, color me brightly RED, surprised

NOPE out right away, although no kink shaming for that

I just wanted to see my state more

I wanted to know cool places for coffee with chat

I sing, “No thanks” to dick through virtual or literal hole in door.

Moral of any story I suppose is this…

The possibilities online are infinite

There are so many options, find what fits

Make sure you see the you in it.

Nope out of the things not right

Lean into the resonance true

Find your tribe and your band and your light

Use it, as YOU want and need, but be sure you learn to be YOU.

Yes, I switch.

In recent post Take Control or Submit, I began talking about concepts in BDSM that feel relevant to my learning. I feel like the practice resonates with me even if I am not always actively practicing it sexually.

I was first introduced to the language when I was picked up by a Dominant online. I was in a chat room, NOT for BDSM, and a man popped into my direct message in order to talk about art…something I posted was of interest to him. Looking back on it and watching him with others over time, he looked for these sorts of connections. He looked to find women that were specifically not trained in BDSM. He looked to pick through minds and light fires he was not equipped to tend. He fucked up my head, but I learned.

I was fascinated by the language of it and its impact on me. He asked more questions, and he seemed to listen to me. Being heard was something I specifically needed at the time but didn’t realize. His presence made me feel assured, confident, centered, and beautiful. Conversely, his absence made me feel lost. He was very present, and then he wasn’t.

He taught me about tasks and poses. I clothed in things he chose for me. I felt wrapped in his care when I walked around in my day. I sought in person learning experiences with other Doms, but I didn’t understand the convention of being “owned” by someone. There were not rules about that, but I didn’t understand rules at the time anyway. I hurt him by not understanding rules. It was not the first or last time in which expectations not clearly communicated would cause pain. I learned from a Dom who picked me up off of FetLife. His language was strong and exciting. I learned a lot from him. He was very clear that he had a love and our interactions were just play. He disappeared with no notice. I learned from a Dom who was less a Dom and more of a protector. He introduced me to parties and the potential for play with people only linked by the language of BDSM and kink. I learned to articulate my boundaries in those situations. Articulation of boundaries…this is the single most useful skill that I have learned from the kink community.

Somewhere along the way…I realized that shitty experiences with Doms made me grow to switch. I don’t like being told how and where and when. I don’t like being used. I don’t like the language of removing choice. I don’t like rules, but I love clear expectations. I think I realized it first as I was being told to orgasm on command, and expected to perform as such, and I leaned over to bite the pants of my Dom. I grabbed hold of his pants with my teeth and I got slapped, hard. And he yelled, “No biting.” I was confused. We had not talked about that as a rule or limit. I wouldn’t have bitten him hard or left a mark. I had expressed that degrading, abusive language, and yelling were all hard limits for me. He told me to stop being bratty as he doesn’t like brats. I don’t have an ounce of brat in me. I don’t push boundaries and rules expressed. I don’t seek to be put in my place or managed. I seek to be on equal footing. For me, that means having some equal time with my own dominance.

In no way do I mean to infer that subs are not equal to Doms…far from it, but power dynamics have a potential for abuse, manipulation, and dependence that make equality a rarity. Equality is essential to healthy sexual expression of BDSM. I think it is fair to claim your choice as a sub to submit to anything. I think it is an enormous responsibility for a Dom/Domme to care for the expressed needs of the sub.

I have spent a good amount of time using my Domme voice with others, both in a strictly play situation and with an ongoing partner. I feel an intense responsibility for anyone for whom I am a Domme, for any amount of time. I am not sure any of the Doms I have been with felt anywhere near the same sense of responsibility for me when I was serving. I was not equal in those cases.

When I look at myself, and my desire for balance, it is no wonder I switch. I like to plan, and I appreciate others planning for me. I like to be on top, and I like to be pounded from behind. I like to release myself not to think, and I like to care for another completely. I like to be close and equal. I like actual mutually balanced sharing…my voice and another combined. I like mutual desire and mutual responsibility…mutual accountability.

So, I switch, whether or not I practice my Domme or sub voices.

Take control or submit

Along my journey, I found some tools. They are sexuality tools, but they make profound sense outside of sex. I am talking about Dominance and submission, I am talking about BDSM, but beyond that…I am talking about the struggle balancing the desire for control with the release of control relinquished.

Over the next few posts, I want to talk about an accidental path I found. I am not sure if I will continue down the path. I may blaze my own trail back to the middle road. I may sit here a little while and think or sleep or dream. I may turn around and travel back to my diversion point. I may invoke magic and click my ruby red slippers to send me back to my home and my comforts.

Look at what I have learned though…

  • BDSM is not essential for me, but there are things to learn within its language.
  • I am a switch, and whether or not I practice it sexually, I feel it as an accurate descriptor of my spirit.
  • Power and dominance has a language that also encompasses responsibility.
  • Relinquishing power is amazing too, but it is NOT a substitute for making actual decisions about needs, wants, or desires.
  • Intensity of experience within the Dominant/submissive dynamic needs to be well respected for the equal intensity of potential drop in feelings associated when something goes wrong.
  • Aftercare…this is the most important part of any dynamic. I am learning to prefer to call it “allcare” – preparatory care, care throughout, and care after. Frankly, this is about every interaction with every partner EVER.
  • Every learning experience requires evaluation. Hindsight…in retrospect…now that I think about it…
  • My labels can be stretched, but the most relevant ones, those swell to encompass new ideas. Stretching…always tends to snap back…sometimes leaving a welt on the skin from the energy of the stretch released.
  • I want to write more, because that work matters to the development of my voice. I want to say out loud that Domme inside me. I want to surrender my will sometimes too. I want to be clear though…these voices are not about leather outfits and floggers. They are about decisions, responsibility, and the intimacy related to sharing that balancing act with a partner. I don’t need to practice BDSM to be a switch. I just need a partner who sees my spectrum and appreciates me whole.

I am taking control of my life and my decisions. I can say what I want and need, and I will make my life my own…for me…with my partner or partners over time. Call me Aria, I am solo voice…but I am not singing for myself alone. Can you hear me?