Door: Change Driver
Aria Scarlette, 13 December 2020
We started chatting in April of 2019, met very quickly, feelings articulated in June, quickly followed by the dance of withdrawal without articulation. He was the first man I met while playing without permission that truly drove change for me. I still don’t believe he was honest with himself or with me about what drove our change into feelings…or our change out of feelings. He was the driver for all of our change, and I didn’t have much say. His schedule dictated. His drive dictated. His desire dictated…and ultimately, I believe his fear dictated. I was a passenger, but I learned that I need shared partnership in being driver.
So, you want to feel desired?
Believe me, if I want you, you won’t be left guessing.
Did you feel like the universe told you to pay attention to my profile?
My directive to practice candid, radical transparency in communication was your hook.
Did you think my hair was the source of my power?
You bid me to stay present, my eyes through yours with you are inside me.
Where else have I gone?
I am certain I have only ever been with you – while with you.
Should I have bid you to stay present?
I waited for you to have time until I vanished out of your rear-view mirror, involuntarily.
How did it start?
You came to get me.
How did it end?
You drove away.
I can still see you in my mind. Bright beautiful day, and the convertible top was down. You turned left with confidence after stopping at a sign that said “No Left Turns.”
You taught me some really valuable lessons, and for that, I am grateful. I can exchange my hurt for the value I received in our conversations. It was worth my while when the inventory is honestly taken, and the debits and credits accounted for…
You made me confident in my gut. You told me my decisions made while sitting center saddle are spot on. Why did I need a brilliant man to tell me that in order to believe it? I did need it though, and I thank you for filling that need.
You taught me about masks. I don’t want the ones I have and am working to shed them because of the awareness you brought out in me.
You are the first person to whom I admitted lies about orgasms. Now I don’t lie. I just have them or don’t as my body allows. I don’t judge it either.
I should have fought for the connection we had earlier. I suspected that, but I sat passive and waited for you. That learning will certainly have prepared me be more proactive in another relationship that I will save. I suppose though –back in our time, you also shared in that responsibility, and either didn’t see it or didn’t want it.
Now I have the awareness and the voice to fight connection as I can recognize self-sabotage and retreat.
There is so much I have to be thankful for in our learning. I didn’t write about you because I was so angry…and hurt…and confused. Now it is the lessons learned, written in some parable for me to reflect on…