Fragile

There is a thing that happens when people are infected. There is a blood-brain barrier that locks out nutrients from the brain so that it remains safe from the toxins in the blood. Body suffers one affliction (infection) while the brain suffers another (starvation). When we are infected, we cannot think properly. The same happens when our hearts are fucked over. Heart break makes thinking difficult. I feel small when I cannot shake the pain. I flinch when everything around me feels like a trigger. There are so many that don’t give a second thought about me at this point.

The thing that I never considered properly is that I would love deeply. The ends are brutal. Polyamory…means more ends unravel. More heart break is possible. I quit.

i am hopelessly fragile and so very small
i am easily forgotten and not worth risking it all
you tell me you love me but you will not call
my mind will starve before infection scales barrier wall

my blood carries toxins that pollute its path
my heart is pressure pumping wrath
when did anger blow up this empath?
i am losing again and again, sink down in the bath

i want to quit and run and hide
i am ready to scream enough, and go out with next tide
i still want to be there, even if i can't sit beside
i might can hold on, but grip slips with tears cried

tonight, again, i asked what I knew
that i am the past and not new
i am complicated and difficult and blinding hue
this is what you saw when you entered the queue

they say i will heal and feel better with time
this presumes that i love like every other rhyme
i do not, he knows it was true and once in a lifetime
and yet, decision made and i am left mute like mime

i gave everything willingly to be in his eyes whole
i still want it now even with the fear inflamed soul
trust and comfort have both over payed toll
i have apologized and tried to view his world through pinhole

but too little too late, and changes already made
the cut too jagged, too rusty the blade
we didn't know what we were doing, and with fire played
and now infected, the decay displayed

i hate what has happened and i want him back
i hate that i cannot do anything to ready my pack
i can't get there nor stave off fatal attack
i am breathless - this last blow landed with unwarned thwack





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