He says he is grateful for how I reach him when he folds up, but am I chasing?
A friend asks me “Have you ever been alone….just you?”
Fuck. No. What does that mean?
I am social being. I have been married but alone forever. I have been married but without partner. I have been married, and accountable as a wife and mother and teacher and friend and leader and…and…….and……
Am I chasing the idea? Am I flailing about trying to grasp onto the nearest comfort? Or do I see him when he cannot see past his own walls? Do I ooze through cracks, seep in, expand, and make possible the crumble of the mortar carefully built by habitual hurt?
What does it feel like to chase, and not be chased? What would happen if I literally just stopped? Stood still. Would he fight for me the way I fight for him? Would he chase and position himself to break my defensive barrier?
I have been hurt habitually too. I deserve to be chased when I am too tired.
Have I ever been alone? Just me?
Yes. I have. I am.