I just want to be on the other side…

I am paralyzed with fear, uncertain obstacles in blindness

blindness with other senses impaired, nothing left to right my navigation

Which way to the other side? What good is the compass named kindness?

Kindness crippled and marred and scared with fearful indecision

I just want to be on the other side…

All information is good information, to further inform my choices

choices filled with pain and the information missing feels load bearing

How much on my head will fall if I fail to understand the voices?

Voices shouting, angry drooling, the ramifications so obviously glaring

I need to drag myself to the other side…

Oppression takes so many forms, masks and pretending I am okay

I am not okay today, but maybe I will be okay tomorrow

Tomorrow is hope and that hope I will borrow to survive this day

I need hope, faith, I will pull the credit, deep debt borrow

Please, let this be enough to get me to the other side…

Stand by my side, have my back, hold my hand

Lend me your stamina and your endurance

Be with me, one with me, my tribe, my band

I need help to make this journey, to take this chance

Hold me while I get to the other side…

I am going to falter and fall and lose my shit, lose it all

All feels lost in the rubble and I am flat under its weight, on the floor

Cannot see beyond glaucoma haze to the future clear crystal ball

Cannot open the window painted shut, cannot look at mirror’s broken cut, cannot crawl through the door

I need to be carried to the other side…

Today…I want to run and the plans are detailed and intense. Fight or flight impulse has me tearful as I talk to a lawyer and say I want nothing of what my marriage has to divide. I want absolutely nothing other than to survive this. What do people do who have no money or support systems? What on earth do people do? I had a one hour long consultation with a divorce attorney today…and my entire being is imploding. I am coping with stress by vomiting words. Then I will stuff it, work, go home, and pretend that I am fine.

I am not fine.

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