I can spend a lot of time thinking about closure, endings, and asking the never ending list of “what if”. It is the rabbit hole of no return. I want to know that I mattered, and that maybe, after the time to think has passed, he is sorry he was a fuckwad. There was something he didn’t tell me at the time. There was another factor in the decision making process that happened in his mind and not in our discussions. There was something other than…
There was something other than he didn’t want me…
I don’t care in most cases. I have had plenty of partners that just faded. Don’t need “closure” as I was never really invested. I was interested. I learned. I moved on. Door closed.
Needing closure is different. I want to understand the things that changed the investment level. I can see the stated reasons don’t match what my gut is understanding. The cognitive dissonance between my gut read and my mental understanding drives the need for closure. At the end of the day, I need to trust my gut more than any other tool I use. My intuition is spot on, and I need to believe in that instinct for everything I do. I need to trust it in order to make the upcoming changes for the future I deserve. Everything happens in an instant, in a succession of instances, and those judgements in snap time matter. I need my gut.
This means when we meet for lunch after not so much as 15 words in 8 months…that I need to see his face. I miss my friend – yes -, but what I really miss is knowing my gut instinct borders on flawless.
I want to see if he tells me what happened without my asking. I want to see how easy it is for him to look me in the eye. I want to know if he will try to hide from me…when he absolutely knows he cannot. When we met, he was attracted to the idea of radical, open communication. NO FILTERS. Will he tell me why? Will he say he is sorry for hurting me? Will he pretend no time has passed and that nothing has transpired in the way of pain?
Or, will it be evident that it was a gut read misinformed? Will it solidify that I made a mistake believing his words? Will it add to it a mistake of closure that will be extra painful? Will I then be sure it was me and not some unseen issue?
Does it matter?
Oooooof. That question.
What does closure really close? For this door, maybe I know after lunch on Wednesday. Maybe I will never know.