There is a lot of delicious salaciousness associated with sexuality expressed. Not all of it is associated with playing without permission, but some of it is the forbidden allure. I do not seek a future of lies, but I would like to keep the part that feels forbidden even with full consent.
With partners who give permission (and yes, I know you fucking hate that word), it can still feel like adventure and excitement. There are a lot of variables and details that aren’t always part of the script.
Yes, I will happily accept a spontaneous flogging.
Yes, I will tell my love how the back room five minute fuck felt.
Yes, I will meet you for a quick park make-out session.
Yes, I will admit that the bruise on my ass came from the gear shift in my car.
Yes, I will say I have had a man I just met look me straight in the eye at a bar as he very slowly slid his hand through my dress slit. He also pulled my hair at the bar by the way.
Yes, I have been very naughty in public parks.
Yes, I remember the raunchy words that I have used.
Yes, I take pictures in places not appropriate.
Yes, I dance with people suggestively.
What I no longer wish to have in my vocabulary: fear, guilt, shame, inhibition. I don’t want to be afraid that being myself with hurt my spouse. I don’t want to be afraid of him finding out that the person he thinks he married doesn’t exist. It is sad, but she never was real. I am sorry for that. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING, and I am not even Catholic. I feel overly responsible, overly apologetic, and completely fucking guilty for having needs at all…much less expressing those needs and or GAWD FORBID – claiming them. I don’t want to feel any shame for who I am, what sexuality I enjoy, or for what society defines as convention. I don’t want to limit myself just based on what I have done in the past.
After my marriage is done, my most significant do-overs will be around communication, expression, and sexuality. I will not be without permission anymore.