There have been so many times in which I have had to hide how I feel. A lover does something that makes me uncomfortable, and I have to wait to resolve it. I have to wait to see them to talk to them face to face. I have to choke on tears while I am at home. I have to put on a mask of normalcy.
I asked a man, who said he once loved me, a question. After saying I didn’t want to be the woman who was begging to be a priority and after saying I didn’t think it was too much to ask for an hour a couple of times a month, I asked “Do you want me?”
He read it.
He said nothing.
So then, I said, “okay.” That was the last exchange I had with a man with whom I had my longest standing affair. We were together for nearly 10 months from our first date to our last words. There were tears, but I didn’t allow them much. I hid my hurt well. This was possible because he hurt me little by little over months of not making me any part of his prioritized list. There were a million excuses, and each one cause some level of tears. By the end, I was mostly cried out.
I had the suicide rattle incident with the man I call Kintsugi, and lord, that was ugly crying – days and days of ugly crying. I cried under my desk at work. I cried in my car. I cried in the grocery story. I did not cry at home. I am sure I looked stressed out and tired, but I didn’t cry.
How do you explain ugly sobbing from losing a lover traumatically to your family who knows nothing of this life? How do you process loss with friends who wouldn’t accept this kind of learning? How do you ask for grace from others who would judge the fucking and not see the partner gone?
I have had plenty of lovers go without so much as a skip in my routine, but this one, this week…I am thankful that I can cry.
Because COVID and anxiety have boiled emotion up under my chest…
Because work in this environment has brought me tears…
Because my kids are changing and that growth process brings feelings…
Because my marriage at home is evolving and grief of a long term partnership also makes me sob…
Because I am already crying much of most of my days, I am allowed to miss him. Thank GAWD, I can cry. We know the friendship is worth sticking around through this fog of feelings, but I can cry and he cannot. At this point I have given myself permission to cry over spilled milk actual…so I can cry for the friend zoning of a special man. I know he needs to cry too, so I hope I can cry enough for us both.
Don’t worry. I have you…and the kleenex.
Side note…we should all let ourselves cry more.
Why are you crying? Because I fucking feel like it.