What if I am wrong?

I have a chat. He is rarely active, super random, and hasn’t been an interest of mine in a while. Inconsistency makes me crazy. That said, I always respond because he always makes me think. Here is the jewel he barfed on my doorstep recently.

You told me when we first met that you wanted radically honest communication. Which I thought was funny,” he starts…“The funny part to me was that honest communication was radical.”

Oh, yes, challenge the semantics and let’s see where this goes.

I challenge with the common standard of omitting shit to protect others and he countered “That by definition is not communication.” I believe it is still communication but of care over facts or information.

Then the glove gets thrown….“Says the woman who opens her dates with paperwork.” This is the common application for pussy referred to in earlier blog.

“I would put a little worm in your ear that IT IS POSSIBLE, admittedly unlikely, that the act of beginning what is sought to be a romantic intimate relationship with radical honest communication, with paperwork, could actually stifle the root of radical honest communication; which is of course emotional connection.

Just a thought.

“And that POSSIBLY, someone who does that, is actually trying to avoid radical honest communication.

“And protect himself (herself) from being vulnerable.”

What??????? And in this, I actually wonder if I have it wrong. Eyes wide open at this point…staring at a screen as a man types (and uses semicolons while texting too….hahahahahahahahahaha).

“You are controlling for risk and removing variables in people, so you find only a person you have predetermined, removes any chance of emotional connection and removes any chance of that person being able to connect to you. It takes the humanity out of the entire thing.

“You claim to be searching for more than sex, yet you screen your potential connections so that you only find those who you cram into a mold. You will never find love in that way. You will never find emotion in that..”

OOOOOOOOF. But still watching.

“You will for sure find someone who is interested in sex and is willing to play that game (consciously or subconsciously) until one or both of you finds it to be boring.”

This from a man who wants none of the same things I want, but with whom I still chat on rare occasion.

“There is no chance it could ever work, so no chance of you being hurt, so no chance of vulnerability. I don’t know the answer to what you seek. And I don’t know if I am right or wrong. All I am saying is that to me, a person who thrives on emotional connection, radical communication requires -even demands- that both people present their whole person. That is dangerous, and is vulnerable. It is super easy too, if you are okay with the fact that this person has the power to really really hurt you.

“If you get hurt, you were vulnerable. If you love, you open yourself up to being hurt. It is the difference between like and love.”

How is that for real talk? Holy fuck. What if I have it all wrong? Am I intentionally looking for people who cannot hurt me? How do I account for having met people on this journey who have indeed hurt me? Has it been the person and the vulnerability that hurt me or has it been the learning discomfort that drew blood upon occasion?

I do love. Intensely. There are people who could crush me easily. I very much live in the vulnerable…but in the case of these people, I must actually be honest. I didn’t give them the “common application for my pussy” questions. Or rather, they have answered those questions in some form, but after I was already well vulnerable.

He ends with something, that is largely related to why I like talking with him so much. He is fucking hilarious, dry and cutting, dark sometimes, and brilliant. “And you got it out of me even though I never got my dick sucked. Unbelievable. Talk about a raw deal.”

I read that, and I laughed so hard my sides hurt. Okay. Now we may actually be friends instead of just a random chat. No, we will not be fucking, but I will sure as shit let you challenge my semantics. Make me better, will you?

2 thoughts on “What if I am wrong?”

  1. Yes you are trying to play without associated pain and or risk. But that’s where true connection lives. Vulnerability and desire go hand in hand. At least for me. Without one I never seem to have the other.

    Like

    1. A friend I was talking with today suggested that we are both right. The process still starts eventually, but with a subset of people I identify as being of lower risk.

      Like

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