In recent post Polyamory, I outlined intended topics:
- Thrive, accept or tolerate
- Communication, communication and MORE communication (with strong doses of awareness of self and others)
- “Don’t ask, don’t tell”
- Room for changing and growth
This entire journey is straight vertical learning. Growth is so fucking fast and the people are important, so getting it right matters. When just casual, and unattached, the journey feels abstract. When love is on the line, and the feelings of those you care for are in line of fire, it is hard to continue learning at the same rate.
Even so, maybe I learn this thing called Polyamory. Maybe I learn to define a version that works for me and any/all of my partners at any given point in time. And maybe I change my mind too.
When I first got married, and in the nearly twenty years of partnership, we endured the learning curve of parenting. We endured the learning curve of supporting family and friends around us. We didn’t do as well watching and learning each other. We lost track of our own selves as individuals and of us as partners. We didn’t make intentional space for growth. We are accustomed to what we had, and we are comparing what we are to that history with an unfamiliarity that is very uncomfortable.
I want to be sure on the other side of what is sure to be divorce now that I don’t make this same error in neglect of growth expected. This isn’t unique to Polyamory, but when more people are in the commitments, there are more growth trajectories to watch and there are more people who feel the ripple effects caused by any one source.
Every person has an individual growth that they must tend. As a partner, I want to be sure that my loves have the support they need to grow as they desire. I hope they see me and encourage my growth also. So far, they are exceptionally understanding and beautifully encouraging. They inspire me to be better.
My lord, I do not want to let them down with sub par learning. I do not want them to suffer even an ounce from my inability to adapt quickly. I want them to hear me when I tell them I am in trouble, but I really want them to trust me when I say I am on track and strong.
Where do you see yourself in one year…in three, five, or more? Who will you be? And who will be by your side?
In one year, I will be open and truthful, though I feel I may always hide when my journey actually started.
In three, I will be an empty nester and independent.
In five, I will be well established with my love if he will still have me.
In more, I will have been through many more adventures.
This means my partners must be smart, they must adapt, they must be intentional, and they must be responsible for their own grown and awareness. If each of us is aware and growing, we can handle the growth together.
As is, both my spouse and I have hidden and spent large chunks of time not being aware of ourselves or each other. We grew, and now we no longer recognize ourselves much less our partnership.