In recent post Polyamory, I outlined intended topics:
- Thrive, accept or tolerate
- Communication, communication and MORE communication (with strong doses of awareness of self and others)
- “Don’t ask, don’t tell”
- Room for changing and growth
Earlier this week, my love said that we won’t end up hurting each other just by being ourselves. We both have partners whose being is counter to us being healthy. They don’t intend to be harmful, they are just being. He said that we talk the shit out of things and thus avoid the incidental hurt. It made me laugh.
We do talk the shit out of things.
We have a spreadsheet too. The spreadsheet has goals, and reports status, and records agreements as they change. We report it, feel the feels as needed, and then we try to throw out the bad stuff to make room for growth.
We talk every single day. We talk about the hard stuff. We talk the SHIT out of the hard stuff, and we talk about the other stuff too when distractions are needed to soothe the fatigue.
We hit an obstacle broad side with bleeding everywhere. He did not run, nor did I. He said, “Let me hold you today…I’m worried that you will retreat…Please stay close to me…” Fuck. Who are you and where have you been all of my life?
We spent nearly four hours in the middle of my night working out an issue. He held me through words, and I cried while word vomiting into a screen. We have been in a similar situation before in which I was the grounded, level energy. We fight so hard, and sometimes something creeps into my periphery wondering if it is supposed to be easier. But life is this hard. It just is, so I choose the partners who step up to the fucking conversation as a habit, a discipline, and an act of intentional love.
After the cart has been put upright, all the shit put back in, and is ready to head forward on journey, I realize that I have more to communicate…because I don’t just have one partner.
What happens when you have to talk the shit out of an issue with one? There is ripple effect that can be felt by my other partner. So I step up to that conversation even though I am tired…because he matters to me and he deserves my energy also. He deserves my everything…not my proverbial leftovers.
At the end of that, round two, I can rest. I can think. I can settle into something that I have build with two beautiful people. This moment….is when Polyamory is sweet, and I feel like I have done something correct.
Tonight I will celebrate with some erratic dancing, some laughter, and some truth telling to more people. People matter to me and make my life a joy. I deserve to celebrate.