In recent post Polyamory, I outlined intended topics:
- Thrive, accept or tolerate
- Communication, communication and MORE communication (with strong doses of awareness of self and others)
- “Don’t ask, don’t tell”
- Room for changing and growth
I feel like there is a spectrum of comfort when considering polyamory and I swing back an forth more radically maybe I should. Some days I feel like YES, I can thrive in this environment. People are GREAT. Love is COOL! YES, I can do this shit!
Then there are the days that are a little tougher. I look at the choices and the partners, and I think the good aspects outweigh the bad. I think of the value and how it is so surprisingly beautiful, and I am willing to pay for it with some discomfort.
There are days that feel out of balance. Tolerate the choice that has been made because all the partners in play are beautiful people and the commitments we have made matter to us…but damn, some days it is very hard and must be tolerated in the hope that it will feel better tomorrow.
The part that I didn’t consider are the days in which I feel like I am breaking. The weight of carrying the perceived joy of multiple partners…that is heavy. There are days I want to run…hide…curl up…quit. I am afraid that I flat out do not have what it takes to even tolerate much less accept or thrive.
I accept this part of my journey as learning. I don’t think I can learn like this forever. At some point, likely soon, I will need to rest. Relax into my love or loves, and stop the frenzied search for understanding that may very well be beyond my own capacity.
I will need to spend a great portion of my existence thriving…