In recent post Polyamory, I outlined intended topics:
- Thrive, accept or tolerate
- Communication, communication and MORE communication (with strong doses of awareness of self and others)
- “Don’t ask, don’t tell”
- Room for changing and growth
Compatibility is tough in this arena. More partners means more moving parts and variables. I have started with the bold communication to new potential people right out of the bag: I am married, playing without permission, but my partners outside of my marriage must be completely aware and consenting. I will do no more hiding.
Those not interested in figuring out polyamory are flat out not compatible, though surprisingly, more that aren’t really okay with it still try. We might try as we aren’t sure where we land on the idea. We might try if we are both married and figure we are already with multiple partners. We might try if we don’t really give too much to the partner so it doesn’t feel like relationship at all. To some degree, none of those really feels like polyamory – feels like odd, distant, side fucking. It either fades on its own, or jealousy eats it for lunch and people leave.
I have a love who is learning and stretching in this arena for me. It truly isn’t easy for either of us, but we are working on it together. He knew about this aspect of my learning desire from the beginning. He accepts it in me, and works for me. I don’t know if that is where we will land together, but maybe…some adapted form tailored to our needs at any given time.
Compatibility otherwise is like for any partner. Intellectual, emotional, habitual, and sexual compatibility matters. For poly though, I think the required skill set for communication, emotional awareness, and mental flexibility is at such a high level. There feels like such little room for error.
This is maybe why monogamy is a construct that stuck.
Or maybe the struggle against the construct is what causes the need for such high level navigation.