Polyamory: Compatibility

In recent post Polyamory, I outlined intended topics:

  • Attraction
  • Compatibility
  • Thrive, accept or tolerate
  • Communication, communication and MORE communication (with strong doses of awareness of self and others)
  • “Don’t ask, don’t tell”
  • Room for changing and growth
  • Safety
  • Labels
  • Support

Compatibility is tough in this arena. More partners means more moving parts and variables. I have started with the bold communication to new potential people right out of the bag: I am married, playing without permission, but my partners outside of my marriage must be completely aware and consenting. I will do no more hiding.

Those not interested in figuring out polyamory are flat out not compatible, though surprisingly, more that aren’t really okay with it still try. We might try as we aren’t sure where we land on the idea. We might try if we are both married and figure we are already with multiple partners. We might try if we don’t really give too much to the partner so it doesn’t feel like relationship at all. To some degree, none of those really feels like polyamory – feels like odd, distant, side fucking. It either fades on its own, or jealousy eats it for lunch and people leave.

I have a love who is learning and stretching in this arena for me. It truly isn’t easy for either of us, but we are working on it together. He knew about this aspect of my learning desire from the beginning. He accepts it in me, and works for me. I don’t know if that is where we will land together, but maybe…some adapted form tailored to our needs at any given time.

Compatibility otherwise is like for any partner. Intellectual, emotional, habitual, and sexual compatibility matters. For poly though, I think the required skill set for communication, emotional awareness, and mental flexibility is at such a high level. There feels like such little room for error.

This is maybe why monogamy is a construct that stuck.

Or maybe the struggle against the construct is what causes the need for such high level navigation.

11 thoughts on “Polyamory: Compatibility”

  1. Compatibility, soooo hard.
    I seriously considered giving up non-monogamy. It can get really lonely. Most potential partners don’t want to hear about. Even married partners don’t believe in it. For fucks sake what is it they think they are doing? If you’re their other thing why do they expect you don’t have another.
    My first partner outside of marriage taught me alot, believing people are going to play outside marriage one might as well expect it be ok with it. Also the fact that they were married and had at least one other partner taught me how foolish it was to be jealous. They were leaving me to go back home to their spouse. I would do the same thing. What a waste of energy it was to be jealous. When it worked out for us it worked out.
    My point here is just to say poly or non-monogamy is a hard business. It might seem exciting and easy and the greatest thing ever until you try to make it work. But considering the alternatives I’m still convinced it’s how we are meant/programed/hard wired to live.
    Just like to say Aria’s posts are so well thought out, well written it’s amazing.
    Thanks for the posts

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WORD! I am hearing the part about making it work. That shit can be really brutal I feel like you either must have the rock star communication skills and see through walls and into futures…or you have to be quasi socio-pathic and not worry self with the thoughts and feelings of others.

      I am glad what I write resonates with you. I write it for myself, but I like knowing I am not alone in these struggles and these thoughts.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Not alone at all. I also am digging the writing. It’s almost eerie how parts of your story I could have written myself. Thank you for thinking out loud aria.


    1. I am glad that my thinking out loud resonates with you. This is such a difficult place to be in and isolation makes it very difficult.


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