In recent post Polyamory, I outlined intended topics, but as I was repeatedly running into some hard core jealousies with a partner, a thought occurred to me.

Initially, I thought of polyamory as an approach to dealing with my massive capacity for energy. I am loving, affectionate, caring, and social. I love learning people, and there is a lot of synergy to be had with varied partners. There are some other motivators that I am uncovering too, and they are less glorious to consider. There is a massive undercurrent of self doubt. There is apprehension churning as I consider asking a person or people to take on the emotional and physical responsibility that is me. If my partners share me, is my burden on them less? Am I trying polyamory because I don’t want to ask any one person to accept me only?

This is maybe not the only reason…but feeling small definitely contributes. I feel less awful about asking someone to accept me if I know they have the support of another…but I am also threatened by their needing another too…so honestly, what the actual fuck? It is so odd, the feeling of duality. I feel like I overflow with capacity while also feeling so small I cannot see out of my own skin.

Positively framed, a small community of loving partners could help support every member in some way when one is feeling low and vulnerable. Negatively framed, by adding more partners and more variables, are we asking ourselves and others to focus our energy in areas not necessary and thus robbing our partnerships of vital richness?

I now sort of giggle at the idea that this felt like an awakening when I started writing a year ago. New confusions abound, and new learning is required.

Hi, my name is Aria Scarlette. Welcome to my awakening…

Strike that.

Hi, my name is Aria Scarlette. I am struggling to find my way out of paper bag with map and flashlight and zero clues. It should be obvious, but it isn’t. Welcome to my open and honest confusion?

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