Intimacy in communication

Everyone says communication is the key to healthy relationships…then we steer clear of saying the hard things because being the cause of pain is awful. What about the intimacy that comes from being trusted to handle the hard stuff with grace? What about the intimacy that comes from having a true trusted partner for the stuff you shouldn’t have to handle alone? What about the intimacy that comes from growing together over the hard stuff?

This is the goal of communication – Intimacy that is lasting, strong, and resilient.

So when I asked for an open marriage, and it was hard to ask, and it was received with such pain that I felt like I was killing my partner, I lost the ability to trust him with my journey. He never asked what I needed. He never asked if I was aware of the origin of the interest. He never asked about my journey, and he didn’t seem capable of being part of the discussion.

I totally understand this, really I do. The conversation was about his pain, his insecurity, and his standard setting based on what society has taught us. The conversation was brief, and it never went any further. It has never been revisited in that form.

I took my ideas, and I guarded them. Intimacy damaged.

Tell me everything if you want to give me your heart. Hear my everything if you want my heart. No holds barred. Pain will happen, and it is payment for the intimacy. This is what I have learned.

3 thoughts on “Intimacy in communication”

  1. I had the exact same conversation. It was the hardest thing I ever did and I’ve done some hard things. It had the same outcome we were both left with the same feelings.
    It was a difficult post to read the experience was so very similar my thoughts the same. “MUST continue the journey alone now”.
    So I did, now going where the path leads.
    Thanks for that post, my favorite so far it’s important it says a lot. It should be used in pre marital counseling!


    1. LOL….pre-marital counseling. We had that. I wouldn’t have heard it then. I was set on the societal standard. I may still be in many ways. The conversation had to happen once. Probably should try to revisit it now, but many other things have piled on since…seems irrelevant.

      Peace to you on your journey. May we be patient with ourselves as we fuck up repeatedly.


      1. Oof
        I hear this.
        The hard things. That first and last paragraph. The trust. The vulnerability.The power of those latter two make the hard things so much easier. I know this to be true.

        As to the specifis of opening a marriage. I had this conversation. Twice. With the same woman. The first time was within a year of us meeting and was an embarkation on a shared journey of discovery that we were both equally invested in. Good right?
        But life took over. She became disabled. I became the woman I am. And I had to make us both face the facts. My wife is straight. I’m gay. So I said again that others needed to part of what we share. Her agreement was far more reluctant this time. And indeed, when I did start a relationship she grew jealous, which was a surprise to me.
        I’d thought that after coming out as a trans woman there was nothing that I couldn’t say.
        But my wife, when I needed the trust the most, let me down the worst.
        I guess now I’m playing Without Permission.
        There are far worse crimes. Like maybe denying or curtailing who your life partner is at their core. Not loving that person as fully as you might.
        Yeah. I’m good with my conscience.


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