Perfect storms

Perfect storms of things that shouldn’t have individually been and issue threw me, my house, and my little dog into another land for a few days. My children, my spouse, my work, my love, and my health all took a collective shit and the fan was destroyed entirely. Yes – I LOVE MIXING METAPHORS, AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.

I had a blog, and a vision of what must pour from my soul so that I gain some sort of clarity. I wanted a habit and a commitment to processing this absurd journey, and two weeks in, I broke.

This is what I learned:

  • I deserve the copious grace I extend to others in time of their stress. I can be patient with myself, and I DON’T NEED TO BE LESS MESSY.
  • Not having grace in a moment does not mean I am not full of grace.
  • This is difficult. It is okay to acknowledge that I am struggling.
  • It is okay to slow down and take breaks.
  • I deserve to have people fight for me…fight beside me for common desires and goals.

I was holding my eldest progeny the other day. They are a graduating senior in this shit show. They were talking about how they aren’t anyone’s first choice. The ranking systems for partnerships are everywhere at every age. The way we show affection and support for people can be really fucked up. I don’t think they would feel the need for ranking if they felt her friends fought for them. As usual, child has perspective that rocks my world.

I told them that likely, they notice so much about how others treat one another and that her awareness is uncommon. In addition to awareness, they will carry the burden of needing to offer grace for those who don’t have the same skill sets yet. I additionally shared that there are almost no people in my regular life that can read me like I read them.

They said, “I know, mom. I don’t ask you much how you are because I already know.”

That child will graduate and leave me, like they should. I am so proud. Some day, when they are much older, we will talk like friends.

Later today, perhaps…I will get back on track. Today though, I leak from the face for all reasons and no reasons.

4 thoughts on “Perfect storms”

  1. What’s love got to do with it?
    A very dear friend inquired as to what the love word meant to me and how I use it.
    I know why they asked. I’ve told them a few times that I love them. Hearing that terrifies some people, it can terrify me. I don’t use it lightly. I feel it quick, easily and often but only say it to a special few I know can manage hearing it without freaking out.
    Your first thought upon hearing it might be something like how will this affect me, do I have to do or say anything. What if I don’t love that person, don’t wanna be loved by them? Will they become obsessive? A stalker?
    Love is love, I love the people and things that bring me joy, the people that watch over me. Sex and romance don’t necessarily require love, love doesn’t necessarily require sex and romance but they can go together quite well.
    I don’t use the word for affect, control or disrespect but I’ve seen all the above.
    How do you use the word love? Do you use it?

    Like

    1. This is excellent topic. I appreciate how you view love and the use of the word. I want to stew on it also. The word is loaded. I am also free with love to a degree as I do not believe in guarding it…but use of it, I am careful. I love many. I love varied. I love deeply, but the love isn’t exactly the same. I can gauge intensity, but defining the nuance of it….that is the good stuff. Thanks, @SlowWalker. I will thing and write more on this too.

      Like

  2. Hmm. I was gonna directly comment on the piece but let’s take the detour first.
    Love. A noun, yeah for sure. To describe an emotion.

    But ‘love’ is a verb too. And a mighty one at that. Loving is an activity, something to which I apply effort. I do.

    ‘Love’ without the action (and I’m taking more about compassion and caring and nurturing trust than hugs n sex) has to be the most soul-destroyingly empty expression of an emotion.
    Ya know.. . IMHO. 😉

    Like

  3. And then there’s the piece.
    Yeah… Make those metaphors your bitches. Serves em right.

    As for eldest, yeah, spot on. Their perspective is necessarily different. Gender variance bestows a degree of privilege with the insights granted, but it’s also painful. Relationships for those of us who were never settled into our assigned gender are so very often fraught.

    I speak as one who has lost many relationships because of throwing off of those shackles. And as one who found someone so profoundly accepting and beautiful that one’s faith in humanity is once more shiny and new…

    Eldest is correct in their assessment of their mother, seems to me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s