Perfect storms of things that shouldn’t have individually been and issue threw me, my house, and my little dog into another land for a few days. My children, my spouse, my work, my love, and my health all took a collective shit and the fan was destroyed entirely. Yes – I LOVE MIXING METAPHORS, AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.
I had a blog, and a vision of what must pour from my soul so that I gain some sort of clarity. I wanted a habit and a commitment to processing this absurd journey, and two weeks in, I broke.
This is what I learned:
- I deserve the copious grace I extend to others in time of their stress. I can be patient with myself, and I DON’T NEED TO BE LESS MESSY.
- Not having grace in a moment does not mean I am not full of grace.
- This is difficult. It is okay to acknowledge that I am struggling.
- It is okay to slow down and take breaks.
- I deserve to have people fight for me…fight beside me for common desires and goals.
I was holding my eldest progeny the other day. They are a graduating senior in this shit show. They were talking about how they aren’t anyone’s first choice. The ranking systems for partnerships are everywhere at every age. The way we show affection and support for people can be really fucked up. I don’t think they would feel the need for ranking if they felt her friends fought for them. As usual, child has perspective that rocks my world.
I told them that likely, they notice so much about how others treat one another and that her awareness is uncommon. In addition to awareness, they will carry the burden of needing to offer grace for those who don’t have the same skill sets yet. I additionally shared that there are almost no people in my regular life that can read me like I read them.
They said, “I know, mom. I don’t ask you much how you are because I already know.”
That child will graduate and leave me, like they should. I am so proud. Some day, when they are much older, we will talk like friends.
Later today, perhaps…I will get back on track. Today though, I leak from the face for all reasons and no reasons.