Apologies

I am sorry a lot. I feel the impact of my unintentional behavior on others, and I like to apologize when I feel it. Awareness of fault is a good thing, but I also catch myself apologizing for who I am.

I am sorry that my energy is overwhelming for you. I am sorry that my will makes you uncomfortable. I am sorry that my choices, however clearly communicated, might cause you pain. I am sorry that my body isn’t just so. I am sorry that I am sometimes unavailable or distracted. I am sorry that my thoughts race. I am sorry that I say how I feel, and I am sorry that my awareness of my feelings makes you less comfortable about your level of awareness.

Wait one minute. How did this happen? How did I begin apologizing for myself instead of my behavior?

And, am I the only one apologizing?

Lately, I have realized that I have grown into modeling apologies for a spouse who doesn’t apologize. He doesn’t accept responsibility for hurt, and so I accept it for us.

In seeking people who take responsibility for their own emotional awareness, I have realized my closest partners are over apologizers too. Each of them apologizes beautifully for hurt caused or fragility marred by miscommunication. They also apologize for oddness, moodiness, distraction, other obligation, and emotional baggage. While I don’t like them apologizing for them being themselves, I love the feeling that we can shed the need for over apologizing together.

We can mirror and say, “no apologies required,” or we can hear a heart felt apology and say, “I forgive you.”

2 thoughts on “Apologies”

  1. Oof.
    IMHO this stems, yes from our emotional openness as you point out, but also, in our case, because we feel it must have been our fault that we were misunderstood.
    I say this, knowing you well enough to know your intentions, and so when perceived harm or infraction arises you seek the blame.
    I know that you know how I come to this belief.
    But we should allow ourselves the room, the confidence, to believe that our good intentions were always clear and yet they still chose to feel wounded.
    The fault is theirs then.
    I’m confident… That I’ve only ever said Sorry to you in the context of expressing lamentation at other people’s insensitivity.
    You don’t even offer that empty platitude. Because you know it’s better to hear than to say Sorry.

    A

    Like

    1. I do apologize often when what I really mean is “I am sorry for the experience you are having”…or “I empathize for what is happening here”

      Liked by 1 person

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