Ghosting, why is this a thing?

This is where my thoughts led me yesterday, from Care without knowing: “Have the heart to be truthful about your interest or disinterest. Don’t just disappear.”

Ghosting is a thing that I don’t think should exist. When I am not interested in chatting further on a general level, it sounds something like this, “I have some people of interest, and I am going to spend some energy there. I don’t think we are a match, but I wish you joy in your journey.”

There is a cycle that has happened in the past. Profile is active, a few chats flare up, some good potential matches warrant further exploration, and some chats need to be put to rest. I have never ghosted a person. Even the fuckwads get a message, “RIP Fuckwad, I am now blocking you.”

The ghosting just says that I am not worth the ounce of honesty required to say, “No thanks, sweets.”

Or it says you have died.

Neither is great.

My most vivid ghosting came from a Dom with whom I was active for nearly three months. We chatted every day, met once or twice a week, and had a great time. He reminded me constantly that we were play only as he had a soul mate, but he did so in a way that felt honest and kind. The last thing he wrote in chat was something like “I can’t wait to see you Tuesday…I know you need me to spank your clit.” That was New Year’s Eve, and I never heard from him again. I guess there was a resolution implemented, and he stuck with it. “I will join a gym, and I will not spank that nice girl’s clit ever again.” – This is written on a piece of paper and posted in conspicuous places to remind him of his strong will power toward realizing his 2020 goals.

Here are the excuses/legitimate reasons related: The app Kik marks messages as delivered for a while if the app is active, and then sent when it goes into the abyss -like the recipient has logged out or deleted the app. Presumably, messages marked as sent will be there waiting when the recipient logs in again. Kik is also glitchy as all fuck. I have lost many a message having my Kik reset on its own…almost as if the app has a drama overload threshold and just dumps it down the sewer for me from time to time. It saves me from having to watch a message sit undelivered…or worse yet, read and unanswered.

So, a man disappears without a word (or actually after repeated words promising that ghosting is NOT a thing he would EVER do), and I do the internet shameful things:

  • Question – Are you ok? Where have you gone? Have I done something wrong?
  • Rage but still questioning – What the actual FUCK?
  • Rage with assertion – I DO NOT DESERVE THIS SHIT!
  • Guilt – Something must have happened, sorry for capital letter feelings.
  • Resignation – You are gone and I will never know why. That sucks. I wish you joy on your journey.
  • Further reflective notes – Checking in on you…wondering if you are alive. I still think about you now and again….and again…and again. (Truly, this is the stage I would like to eradicate from my habit train.)

He is not the only to ghost me. There have been many MANY others. Usually people just wander off. It doesn’t feel like ghosting so much as just not seeking. Ghosting is the refined art of communicating regularly, usually claiming a disdain for ghosting, then something happens POOF – assume a gas-like state of supernatural apparition.

Let it be known though, if you ghost, and you return…I will never ever trust you again to be honest.

It is so very easy to say, “shit got real, I am out.” Cut and paste that to your hoards of Kik chats, and then move on with your dignity in tact. This is a place in which it is super simple to be honest. The internet allows you to write it and walk. So be brave, be kind, and for the love of all things fried – be direct.

4 thoughts on “Ghosting, why is this a thing?”

  1. Ghosting is one of the uglier byproducts of the ease of meeting people in the digital world. I too have been Ghosted many, many times. It used to cause hurt, pain, bewilderment, worry and loss. I suppose I’ve become jaded, numb slightly immune to it now. I don’t think I’ve ever completely ghosted a soul. I say that knowing there are people I’ve not contacted in a long, long time. But I can honestly say if any of them contacted me I would happily reply.
    I just have a mental rule if someone never initiates contact with me then there probably isn’t anything there to save or get excited about anyway best to let it go. It’s an awful feeling to have a partner in anything be it chat, sex or simple friends that never initiates.
    So yes at times I’ve just stopped reaching out to folks that may or may not reply but never initiate contact. If that be ghosting then I’m a guilty sinner. Hopefully I’m more considerate than to just drop someone without a by or fuck you.
    I know how it feels and hate it.
    But then maybe all of us should have more consideration for other human travelers on life’s journey and maybe a bit more forgiveness so we might be forgiven as well.
    Now when I’m Ghosted, Dear Johned and even told to fuck off I try to do a mental exercise repeating go with peace and love with hopes you find the happiness sought.


    1. @SlowWalker….I think not being responsive or extra chatty is different than ghosting. I too have stopped initiating conversation when it feels out of balance or not reciprocated with mirrored energy and intent. That is a far cry from leaving a message not to be responded to for months on end.

      And yes, you are beauty in that you chant “go with peace and love.” I will try that.


  2. Ugh.
    Flat no.
    Even with a recent deeply abusive ‘relationship’ I still would reply to her missives.
    But that’s the flipsode to not ghosting. What if someone won’t take ‘No!’?
    I finally said ‘Done?’ when she’d finished another copious dispensation of venom.
    ‘For now’
    To which I gave, with lightness of heart, ‘Allow me to rephrase… Done!’

    But even now I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t respond to another message. If only cos it’s rude.
    Ah wait, I can go with your Hierarchy of Rudosity, Aria. Telling someone to fuck the fuck off is less bad than ghosting, right?


    1. Yes. Be direct. Tell them the truth as you see and feel it.
      Fuck off. Not interested. Not worth the risk…or I just don’t wanna.
      The why is not on you to make them okay with.

      This has been a hard one for me lately as breaking up with a love…I didn’t agree with his decision, but I must support it all the same. He did the best he could to care for me as he told me “no.”

      This means who I fell in love with mattered.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s