Do you know what you want?

This is where I left off, from Thought Experiment: Round 1: “Unknown intent – very few people know what they actually are seeking and not everyone who responds is actually prepared to have an affair.”

This is particularly evident with reading profiles. People provide info about interest sometimes, often profiles are completely blank out of either laziness or just complete lack of awareness. It is impossible for me to tell if I am into a person from their height, weight, age and photo. Wait, that is incorrect. I am completely disinterested in all people based on those factors.

Then there are the lies we tell. Here are some that I have heard:

  1. “I am looking for a best friend and confidante.” Followed closely by revealing no information at all without careful extraction with surgical tools and truth potions.
  2. “I am looking for someone to spoil with my attention.” Followed closely by no available time for attentions to be at spoiling levels.
  3. “I am open to multiple partners.” Followed closely by the double standard that men can have multiples but women cannot…or by wanting to be the “favorite” or jealousies get stupid.
  4. “I love smart women.” Followed closely by the dismissal of independent thought.
  5. “I am seeking long term friend with benefits.” Followed closely by not actually wanting friendship so much as benefits dispenser in a supersized manner and only on one sided needs schedule.
  6. “I don’t want to change my situation or yours.” Followed closely by the lazy guarding of privacy.

Awareness of ourselves and others is a skill we are grossly deficient in as a people. We don’t do that hard work, and yes, it is hard work.

When looking for partners, I demand that I do this work for myself, and I look for people who want to learn themselves and me. This means spotting the lies given to use to parrot to others, and it means being willing to risk the pain that comes from not spotting truths glaring. It also means being uncomfortable while we call each other on bullshit.

Know who you are. Know what you need and want. Know why. Then share it. These are my impossible standards. Who the fuck is still listening and ready to give some vulnerability a try for a change?

5 thoughts on “Do you know what you want?”

  1. I wrote about this in the “why’s” of cheating. I’ve heard every single one of your six lies above and many more…affairs are a web of tangled desires, unmet needs and lies. Lots of lies.

    View at


    1. @Monalisalady….this is what I saw “You will show up when you say you will. You won’t ghost. Make excuses. Play games.” Agreed, but at the bottom, you say you want freedoms that you have earned. What does that look like for you? No strings attached?

      I want the strings. I want them to be attached to someone who accepts me whole and allows me to see them whole also.


  2. I pass right by any profile that says NSA. Even if he insists that he really does want the friendship/communication aspect. I want an FWB not a fuck buddy. And I also certainly want the strings.


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