The beginning is cloudy. There is no one moment that I can label as the start. Here are the factors key:
I was raised conservatively to guard chastity above all else. I was encouraged to be smart, but not too smart because boys don’t like that. I have a high IQ and emotionally aware, and I used those skills to do the work for others around me.
I am a care taker. I take care of others’ needs, and I feel pride in that role. I see the needs of others often over their expressed wants, and I provide. This is often at great cost to myself.
There is another piece here related to a major life event and the growth associated. I want to write about that, but not yet. For now, we will call it “Owning My Influence.”
I asked for an open marriage, as I thought there may be an opportunity to love and care for others rather than expecting one person to meet our every need. I seek to value people for who they are without devaluing them for what they cannot be.
My request to discuss an open relationship was denied. But I want to be fair, I saw my husband’s pain and I deferred to his needs like I have always done. If I don’t care for his needs, I am deemed selfish. If I do, I am lost. How do I thrive given these two impossible choices?
I had choices to make, and to make them, I needed to learn. Can I be good to multiple people? Am I capable of clear communication? What do I want? Who the fuck am I really once I shed the labels given to me by others? Are there others like me? Will I survive the learning curve? Will my marriage survive the journey?
I have been playing without permission for a little over one year. I have learned a lot about myself and about others. I will endeavor to unpack it here, parcel by parcel. Some of the things packed have broken, some are mangled beyond repair, but the most resilient pieces at the core of my being are all that is left. Do I need more than those few pieces? Time and reflection will tell.